Saturday, March 30, 2013

You Can't Fool Mother Nature

Method walked the green path tightly guarded by the flora planted thickly on either side. Today was the day he was going to wonder past the edge. Today was… “oh hell with it” he said under his breath and turned to go back to his home.
Morris the Pidgit was there standing with his arms wide doing his best to look intimidating and bigger than the twelve inches if he stands on his toes height.
“No, no hell. You going this time, Master says hes going and Pidgit make master’s command true.”
“Thank you for your concern Pidgit, but I’m just not ready”
“When then? Master say he’s going.”
“Not today.”
“Parents say you old enough.”
“My parents have never been outside either. They were mere sprigs themselves when they landed on this world. How am I supposed to know what I’m supposed to do?”
“Pidget knows you walk, and the green ends and you go to hard ground were the fast things are.”
“The fast things. Do you ever listen to yourself.”
“Pidget is programmed to speak this way.”
“Fine save program, I’m going to try a fix.”
“ohhh Pidget isn’t likeing this.”
“I’ve gotten better. You didn’t actually die last time.”
“Should have.”
Pidget squeaked and popped a glowing red ball from it’s head and put it in his navel
Method bent down, waved his hand over the shaking creature and stood up. “okay, speak.”
The creature yapped and panted like a dog.
“Oh crap.”
“Kidding, just kidding.”
“That’s new.”
“You are right sir, I’m feeling a little more, mmm what ‘s the word.”
“Ooo, I like that. Snarky”
“Well keep the back up and we’ll see if I like it later. I do like the pronouns”
“Pidget does too.” It raised it’s eyebrows and gave a wink.
“what have I done?” Method asked himself. As he started to head back to the house.
“No, no.” Pidget bounced in front of his master and again looked like he was trying to be intimidating.
“Your parent’s said you needed to go.”
“Because,” the gentle voice of his mother emerged from behind him, “you have work to do.”
“work yeah, what kind of work.”
“Boot, and Lyla have gone into the world and they need to come back.”
“Boot and Lyla quit.”
“They should never have developed sentience.”
“They were slaves that we programmed as we saw fit.”
“You are so much like these beings on this planet, the humans.”
“Well I’ve watched a lot of Television, Which by the way you sent Boot out to get.”
“Fine, What happens if they tell the world of us.”
“The damn TV is on all the time, what do you think.”
“Oh, master shouldn’t talk to his mom like that.”
“Did you program Pidget?”
“Well it was.”
“Hypocryte. You have lived nearly 100 of these earth cycles Your father and I have rooted and cannot leave but you refused to stay still. Now you are the one who needs to go.”
Method looked at her and took off his shoes.
“Pidget, stop him.”
“What can I do?”
Method felt the earth. It had always called to him. He’d some day have to root. All his kind did it.
“Kidding.” He turned and looked at Pidget. Can I take Pidget?
“If he desires.”
“What!” he yelled and did a back flip. “For so long I have wanted to go. Oh thank you Mistress.”
“Okay try to look like a monkey.”
“Will do Boss.” And jumped on Methods shoulders.
“Mother I will try to return with Boot and Lyla”
“Go my son and have a life.”
They walked to the end of the path. The shrubs merging behind them. Some cars zoomed past and Pidget pointed a direction and they headed that way.
Purpose watched her son leave, she wished she could uproot and travel with him, She was going to miss him. Then she saw Pidget juggling three small balls. Putting one after another in Method’s head. Pidget was programming him.


We met at a foof thing, where a person can “really be seen”. I like going, I’ve rarely had the “seen” experience, usually just the opposite, but watching people feel noticed or have breakthroughs because they get to have someone else hold the angst for a bit; that’s magic. I don't often vie for the hot seat but I still go.
We met, and I was being my usual defensive nervous dork self
“oh I didn’t see it that way”
This is my experiential telling so shut up.
…And it was made worse by the fact that so many of the classic defenses men have were turned off. They were hugging and touching each other. Relaxed and often times not ready to defend at a moments notice. He was not one of these. He was tense and bit walled off, a comfort in the foofiness. A comfortable sharp edge.
The event was a three day thing. I am often hypersensitive in groups add the extra emotion and by the end of the second day I was ready to split. We had one more round of this “Circling” practice and dinner wasn’t something I wanted to partake in. I needed to be away from the crowds so I stayed behind. To tell you the truth I don’t know who started talking first but it was like one of those magic TV moments when the romantic couple whom the story revolves around meet; he says hi, she spills her coffee or ice cream, they laugh. Yeah like that.
He didn’t have anything with him to eat and wanted to go to Ideal Market right across the street so we went and just talked. We made fun of some of the things that happen in the community, talked about how some people’s circles were amazing beyond expectations. I said how much I didn’t expect the benefits that they promised. 
We talked about stuff.
Of all the people who said for sure we’d keep in touch he was the only one to respond to my messages and inquiries to life, health, or whatever. We went to the farmers market, played disc golf, sat at the coffee shop and talked for hours. He invited me to a men’s group — in my opinion the hell it sounds like, but guys seem to love them, so more power to ‘em. He listened to the frustrations I had with out condemning or helping. I told him my deepest most self-shaming secret and he laughed. He said it was so funny to hear. He joked with me about it and did it without any “normalizing” care-correction or shaming.
I told him how I felt about him. How every time I was around him my whole body came alive, how my heart raced and how I always got a few degrees warmer.  I told him all this, all he said was “I love you and yes it’s a little uncomfortable but I trust you and I’m here for whatever you need. Just tell me so I know.”
Ass hole made it even more perfect.
He’s even been to the best parts of me. He was with me when I saw The Avengers and saw how freaking excited I was. His appreciation and joy at seeing me squee in pure geek ecstasy did more than any circle I’ve ever been in. It was amazing. I actually went home and cried.

I’m here again. The end of another perfect night. I’ve laughed a lot, cried some, and didn’t have to explain myself once. I got to be apologetic for dominating the conversation without being made to feel worse by being told that I don’t need to be sorry. Just a smile that says you’re you. He’s my friend and I need to remind myself every single time we get together. He comes around the truck demanding a hug, and I hug him a little too tight and feel him a little too much. His smell is amazing, that silent smell of a man. Dear God help me. He’s my friend That’s all we’ll ever be. I can tell him my fears, my joys my ups my downs. He’s good looking, well built. Damn and damn again.
We disengage and say good night. I get in my car. That unrequited ache dancing with the joy.

Friday, March 29, 2013


Today I had my first failure. Oh I wrote a story, In fact I wrote two.
The first one however didn't end well. Stuff happened, it got a little steamy and then nothing. I wasn't prepared to pull another Deus ex machina again.  The Failure is below, and the second story will be posted tomorrow at 6pm. It's called Unrequited and will be followed by another. the one I write tomorow.

So my choice to not Pocus my way out of the story was one I'm very proud of. It's a way for me to not cheat my way on these last two days. I hope you've enjoyed them.


Now the story

Consider this" the man said leaning toward the expectant crowd. "When a child is fresh from the womb it does nothing but consume. it draws from the mother taking time and energy and, from a good mother, food."
He sat up and put his hands wide. "We as a species are like that child." 
The crowd sighed in appreciation. The Man continued, "We consume because we are needy and we will take from our mother, Mother Earth, to meet those needs." others smiled and shook their heads in approval. One woman raised her hand as if she were at a revival. Maybe to her she was. Women with their legs full of hair and men without, having shaved it off for some sport or other all shifted as  the man on a simple folding chair channeled the wisdom of God. 
"We can forgive those who consume our mother to her detriment, but if our mother can no longer feed or care for us we will die. She'll live on and might be able to birth another child race but she gets one for sure and that is us."
More ahs.
"Get comfortable, lay in laps and hold one another." They did Women lay in the bare laps of men and men in the bare laps of women. "Feel the energy of creations start to flow. Hold it there don't act."
Many of the men were uncomfortable, the arousel they felt starting to awaken them. "Toby, am I right?" He said to a young man looking like he was seconds from crying. He nodded.
"what are you feeling?"
He wanted to say that he felt the cheek of this very attractive woman in his lap. Instead he said doubtfully, "The group."
"No, try again."
"Good gracious man, it's all over your face." He leaned down and caressed her breast, and added, "and hers as well."
"My dick?" 
"Dick," the man stood, " I think that a crude word but better than cock,  yes, I'll accept that. Be real men, let yourselves feel it. Do not act, but feel."
The men began to relax and several women adjusted to allow. 
"Allright let's hum," and they did. He could hear several getting a little carried away. This was good what he wanted. 
As he walked around the room he noticed some people crying others in ecstasy and there, towards the back, two how were not following instructions. he moved that direction.
"Feel the creation energy in you." Some began to moan louder. "good."
he reached the couple doing more than humming and feeling, and with the Nerf bat he used as a cane waked the man on the head.
"This is delicate. Please remove yourself from the building. And you young lady for your protections. put come coverings on and move to a chair in the corner."
"Now form two lines. Men on one side women the other." 
grabbed a cart and moved between the two rows, several men were erect or partially but they stood there every one. He could tell several were struggling to not cover part of them. "If you feel shame feel it. talk to it. If you feel joy, sorrow, excitement, frustration feel it. Keep your eyes open feel the beauty of the one across from you. Now turn to the one next to you. Look at them stare at their genitalia. Feel."
"At your feet I put some sheets cover yourselves." Several did it quickly others slower." in the end they looked like a Charlie Brown Halloween.
"We'll dress in a moment. But first who here know's what we just did?"
"Opened our selves up to allow more sensation." most of the ghosts nodded in agreement.
"Really? that's your answer?" He looked around. "Okay, yes and we also gave back to The Mother."
we have tremendous energy in our ability to create. Now I'm going to ask the women to dress first and leave. This is for your safety. Don't masturbate, instead open imagine the tension and the angst flowing into the earth. Ask what she wants for you. She is a child of God as well, more connected. She'll tell you. Now hurry"

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Best Gift

I can’t stand the holidays. The people, the screaming kids, the getting in trouble for breaking toys I wasn’t even touching. Granted I haven’t had that happen in ages I think however that it just kills my mom that she can’t yell at me for anything anymore. It was a great stress buster. Focused all her stress and anger in to her son. Now is she hit me I’d hit back. Well maybe not but I’d do something and she knows it.

I like my parents. I think they are pretty neat. As far as people go my Mom is a stand up woman, who knows how to take down any opposition. I think she might even be a witch. I didn’t get that power. I don’t like them when it comes to my personal life or the holidays. Once again the whole family came here.
My folks are both from big families. I can’t count all my cousins. I haven’t even met about a fourth of them. If I have I was young and don’t remember. So today there are fifteen guests. Aunts, cousins, their kids and an uncle. And I am proud to say I made dinner. The pies, the salads, the sides, the deserts. Mom is making bread and Dad is grilling the steaks. We’re waiting for Nacho who apparently is coming with his fiancé. If he comes he’ll probably come alone.
I won’t get any credit for the meal. My mom is making bread, and my dad is grilling the steaks. So my Dad will get the credit.
When I think things couldn’t get more frustrating my brother brings his partner. Clark. The smarmy bitch is about flash and glitter and every body loves him. Okay he’s funny but what else is there that charm. Oh yeah his fancy car and tales of stars. He’s written six hit movies, or so he says and somehow that has made him able to have more money than a Banking Exec.
The kids have taken over the tv so my one retreat, my buddy, my best friend is busy. So I’m sitting here waiting for the potatoes to finish baking. And I’ll put the pie in. I tried Alton Brown’s recipe right down to the four different types of apples. I think it’ll be good. Not that anyone will care. They’ll want ice cream or cheese to melt on it. Barbarians.
Clark comes in and smiles at me. I do that annoying chin lift that dudes do to say hey. The Bro Kiss. I watch him go back in the room with everyone. God I wish I could be more like that. Hell being rich wouldn’t even be needed if I could just charm my way into the lives of others. He asks me where the pop is, walk him to it. If I said the garage he might get lost, wander into Wonderland, or some such nonsense. He’d become King probably. He tries to talk to me, I remain noncommittal. He’s not evil so much as everything I want to be. Normally I try harder to be decent. It’s not his fault I suck at being people.  His mere existence, however reminds me that I’ve done nothing but mess my life up.
We navigate the labyrinth of years past and I show him the two fridges full of various types of beverages carbonated to “freshly squeezed” or so labeled.
My mom tells me to put the pie in about a half hour too early, I was going to wait until we actually started but she insisted and as we unwrapped the gifts I couldn’t keep my mind off the pie. How could I keep it at the right temperature.
My mom loved the Shoes I gave her. My brother looked at me. I had no shame in saying out loud, “she asked for them.” Fuck him.
Then Clark’s gift, a knife, a Shun. She was so excited she jumped up to hug him. Of course. I stopped my internet access three months ago to have money to by gifts. Sheesh.
At the end of the night everyone was happy. Clark got the kids Amazon gift cards, $50 each. And my dad got a new drill set and a lot of great tools. My mom got Clark a leather jacket and my brother a car stereo that he’d been wanting. The kids got toy’s and most of the adults got some gag gift like a case of cigaretts or a bottle of some alcohol or other. Me? Oh, I got to check the pie.
I would like to say I was mad. I would like to say I didn’t care. I gave what I could and I like that. I don’t really care to get. A small thing like a $10 iTunes card, anything that said they didn’t forget me.
I tried to be jovial as my stomach turned in self pity. I laughed with everyone and hid in plain sight. People started to leave, thank God. I did the dishes with my Mom and one of my Aunts. Then we put the movies on. Jim Freaking Carey. The only thing worse would have been Farrell.
I sit and wait. I always watch one movie with them. To show willing. They have more Desert and I start getting ready to leave. As I head out the door Clark comes up.
He walks out with me. No one thanked me, no one acknowledged my work, I cooked for two days straight. Dad did get most of the thanks and mom the rest. They cheered Clark and my brother for finding him. Not even one homophobe in the crowd. And now I can’t even leave in peace. I know it’s all selfish. I know I should be grateful for the family. Some people would love to have what I do. But I don’t fit in. Tools and basic household needs. Video games, and Jim Fricken Carey. I’m not like these people but damn at least notice me.
“Hey, I have something for you.”
“What.” It sounded a bit harsh.
“I ordered it a bit late and with everything I didnt’ get it wrapped.” he went to his car and pulled out an box. He actually looked a little insecure.
I was so not ready to get his “Just in case gift” but I took in the box. I opened it and on it was a box with a plastic Samurai Jack figurine. It was on top of four disks. One for each season. I hadn’t seen either of the last two.
“These are great. How did know I like Jack?”
“You were doing that talk to the air thing one day.” I gave him a look, “You know when you don’t think anyone is listening. It’s kinda funny. You really like these things, so I thought I’d find them. I was afraid you already had them.”
“No, I didn’t even know they had a fourth season.”
“This is great!” I hugged him. I think I even fell in love with him a little.
“Hey and thanks for all the food. I saw that you made most of it. It was good.”
I thanked him again and went home.
I still hate holidays but this one, well it was okay after all.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


Ticko, short for Timothy Grecco, walked to the end of the block. WetLand was this way. Logan, his brother told him they would go this summer, so he was going. His parents were outside messing with the dirt, something he would get in trouble for, when the WetLand commercial came on. The Fins the bad fish, were being chased away so they could keep a happy place for the whole family. It was "Open Now".
"we can go there on bikes."
"I can't ride one."
"I'll teach you." He didn't.
So he grabbed his trunks, and a towel and put them in one of the cloth bags that gave his mom a nickel every time she took them to the store.
When Logan took him last year, he was five and he was allowed to help make the sandwiches. So he made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The jelly oozed out the sides.
He put it in a paper bag with some chips. That too went into the cloth bag. Oh, and the sunscreen. Logan would be mad if he didn't take sunscreen.
Last the stick. Logan had to use a cane to walk, he said the medicine made him weak. Ticko wanted one too so they made one for him and the two of them would walk with their sticks.
All packed and ready for the day, stick in one hand, bag in the other he headed to the door. When they went for their walks they couldn't walk far, their mom got mad when they did go for a walk, but every day they'd go and every day they’d talk of some adventure but first Logan would say, “You and I are going to WetLand”
He remembered Logan telling him how to cross the street. He looked one way, then the other, and then the first again. A car went by and he did it again. He didn't know how long the cars would stay away so he ran across. This way. Towards the water tower.
He kept walking and at each corner he would look one way, then the other, then back and run across. He made it several blocks when he got to a ravine blocking his path.
"Where to now Logan." he looked at the stick.
This one was different than the one they walked with, this one was special. They didn't let him in to see Logan for a whole week. He was just in his room. They kept telling him he couldn't but they wouldn't say why.
Logan's door opened, he looked scary. "Hey buddy, what's the noise."
"They won't let me see you. I took a bath, I even washed behind my ears and between my toes. I'm clean."
"Come on, let's start a coup."
"Logan, don't, you'll get sick."
"Mom." Logan had never sounded like this to Mom, ever. "I'm already sick. I want to play with Ticko, I need him as much as he needs me"
"Come on Snots, let's shoot the shit."
He closed the door muffling what their Mom was saying.
That night they talked about the fun they had and the things they could do soon.
"We are going to WetLand. too."
"Hey, buddy," Logan looked serious. Get me my stick." Ticko did, while Logan took a knife off the T.V. tray. Most of his food was un-eaten. "And some string and the feathers from the trip to Black Bear." He requested some other things and sat Ticko in his lap.
"Okay, it's time to be men."
Ticko didn't like the sound of that. It was always scary when it was time to be men. He nodded though. Logan was there.
"I'm not sure we'll be able to go to WetLand."
"You were going to drive. You'll be old enough."
"It's not that. I'm sick"
"You went to the doctor, they took the bad stuff out. They've given you medicine."
"I don't think it's working. Here." he took the knife and with a grimmice poked his finger. Ticko watched. "I'm giving you my stick and this is my blood, it's a part of me." He put the drop of blood on the cane and said. when it dries we'll seal it. Now let's do some magic."
"But why did you do that."
"I'll explain in a bit. Help me braid this. Do you know what a talisman is?"
Ticko shook his head.
"It's a magic thing that lets you and someone who is not here anymore stay in touch."
“We are making this talisman for you."
"Who am I going to stay in touch with."
"Ticko," He hugged him so tight. "I don't think I'll be here next year."
"Where are you going?"
"Were men right now right?" Ticko shook his head. "I think I'm dying. Like Grandpa."
"No!" the jumped from the bed and ran to his room."
Later, he heard his door open. Logan was there with the stick. "Here Buddy, I finished it."
“I don’t want it.”
“Why not.” Logan sat audibly on the bed.”
“Because then you won’t go.”
“I know it hurts, and we need to be strong. Want to hear a secret?”
Ticko turned to look at Logan and nodded, “I’m scared too. I don’t want to go either but if I can’t get better I’ll have to.” He saw for the first time ever a tear roll down Logan’s face.
“We’re men.” Ticko said.
“Yes, and men cry when they are sad. They do what they have to they don’t get mad at unfairness because why?”
“Shit happens”
“Yes, shit happens”
“And don’t tell mom we said that.”
“Well someday just not yet.”
"Logan, I don't want you to go.”
“Me either. It would mean being away from your punky little ass.”
Tears the tears started and Logan and he cried. Logan noticed a shadow in the door, he waved them off.
“Okay my little man, let me tell you about this.” And they spent some more time talking about why the things were on the stick. “Keep this stick with you and I’ll always be near. I’ll always be able to hear you and you’ll always be able to feel me.” Ticko smiled and they fell asleep.
Ticko stood up and walked around the ravine a small rickety bridge let him pass. A few big kids were there. One was Samm with two ‘m’s, so you know it’s not Samuel.
“Hey Ticko.” He yelled from the bottom. Ticko waved back.
He remembered the day the ambulance took Logan away. Samm was there. Ticko started screaming. “Let me go, he needs me. Don’t take him.”
His dad was yelling at him his mom was crying. Samm knelt down and looked at him. It’s man time little dude. Having heard Logan say it to him. We have to let him go for now, okay?”
“No!” Ticko yelled. And saw samm crying. “It’s okay”
“I don’t want him to go.”
“Me either. Come on let’s go to your room.”
They did, when Samm saw the cane he asked why it was all decorated.
“It’s a Tellsman so we can always be together.”
“That’s cool. Maybe you can make one for him?” Ticko showed him how to do it. They used the handle to the plunger in the bathroom.
When they got downstairs Ticko saw his mom in his dad’s arms, they were both crying. He knew it was time to be a man. He took out a beer and a bubbly water and put them on the table. “I made Logan a tellsman, so we can always be together.”
The water tower still looked so far away. He needed to get there but he was getting hungry. Later. He opened the bag and pulled out his trunks. Wrapped in them was his talisman. He had to get to WetLand.
Samm agreed to take care of Ticko during the funeral services. They didn’t want him to go. “Samm, take me to the funeral.”
“Sorry I can’t”
Ticko ran off to his room Samm started to follow when he saw him coming back caring the stick they made. “They wouldn’t let me give it to him.”
“Samm I have to go, I need to give it to him.”
“I can’t bro”
“Samm It’s time to be men. I have to do this Logan needs this.”
Samm looked at him and said. Dress nice, a suit if you have one.
He came down with his hair slicked down and wearing a suit that showed his ankles above some grubby tennis shoes. “I can’t get my nice shoes to fit”
“That’ll do.”
They went to the back of the funeral home. The place was full of people he didn’t know. The stick for Logan was hidden in his jacket. They had to trim it buy figured it would be okay since all the good stuff was on top.
People were going to the casket so he headed for the back of the line. Someone grabbed him. “What are you doing here.” It was his dad.
“I have to give this to Logan. He needs it.”
“Stop, you are going to make a scene.”
“No I need to give this to Logan.”
“You can’t
Ticko started to fight his dad even hitting him with the talisman. His dad dragged him out and told Samm, “I told you to keep him at home.”
“Come on man it’s his brother”
“He made a scene.”
He sighed and looked down at the distraught boy. “Come on little man, I made a mistake.”
When they were in the car Ticko was holding the stick. His favorite robot had come off. He was crying.
“You didn’t make the scene dude.”
He got to the park finally, it was two o’clock. His feet were sore but he finally got there. He looked in his bag and realized he left his money at home.
In panic he looked around, and saw a large group that looked like two families bunched together with several kids. He casually walked in with them.
Logan had said he would bring him. Well he was here.
“Okay, if we get separated where do we meet?”
“Near the woman’s restroom by the wave pool.”
“And why?”
“So I can pretend my mom is in there if anyone weird comes up to me.”
“Good man.”
He walked around for a bit, and got to the Boomerang.
“Logan,” his mom had said. “Are you sure you should go?”
“It’s nothing mom, I promised him. Besides I feel better once I get moving.”
“Okay, but come home if it gets worse.”
“I will.”
It got worse. He passed out right here. It took him awhile to get help. No one would help, they thought Logan was playing but he wouldn’t move. They never said what it was. But he never got better.
Ticko walked to the woman’s restroom. The border fence ran along one side.
“If we get separated where do we go?”
in a soft voice he said, “Near the woman’s restroom.” as he placed the smaller talisman between the building and the fence